Mothers groups. The banal creation of flaky stay-at-home mums who have nothing better to do all day than to goss and yabber on and about their kids. Sometimes their boring husbands too.
Can I please rant?
Apart from the obvious good that it does for my son, who does indeed gain some interaction and learning from the other kids, it is void of any other purpose in my life. Except that it completely drains me and gives me a big fucking headache each and every time.
Since I love lists, I'm going to make one about all these reasons why these groups are the bane of my existence to date.
1) The kids will be fine. Seriously.
Every mother thinks they're gonna kill their kids by doing something wrong in the beginning. I thought so too. That was before Jaydon started being independent, growing a personality, and frankly just being normal. Then I realised that no matter how much you stress about that rash, or that cough, or the midnight fevers and tears from teething, it doesn't really do any good to sit in a group with a bunch of other women who may or may not have experienced the same thing. All their genius advice will be on Google anyway, except Google just gives you the facts without telling you that horror birth story (again) and then comparing caesarean scars with you. Your kid will grow up fine. They all do.
2) My life is waiting.
Every minute I spend talking about when you should start potty training, whether you should have your third child (even though you're still pregnant with the second), and whether its ok that your son ate dog poop again this morning - is a minute I have NOT spent on reading the news, writing my book, doing research on my travels, learning something, or having a drink. Please don't induct me into your weird cult of mummy do-gooders and brainwash me like those Invisible Children people did to the world. Those are 30minutes I'll never get back again. Even the Ugandans don't like you.
3) The boasting mum
You know the one. She's always gushing about how intelligent her kids are, how they just learnt a new skill, how cute they were this morning when they did this/that, how good-looking they are etc. This type of mum usually has the whole group wanting to groan and roll their eyes, but everyone is too polite to say anything because we all have kids and would hate it if someone else did that to us. So we all deal with it and gush along with her while comparing our caesarean scars.
4) The judgemental mum
This mum is the worst. She judges everyone - the working mothers, the ones who don't cook, those who do or don't send their kids to daycare, as well as those who choose not to have kids (just unacceptable). Most of the time, this mum has her own trail of badly behaved brats, runs a chaotic household, and has those crazy eyes that get really big when she's being incredulous. Which is all the time. A bit like that redhead from Desperate Housewives. But fatter.
5) Mummy fashion
Why does everyone wear mummy jeans and look frumpy at these things? I have to admit it's much better in Asia, especially Korea, but there is no denying the "mummy-ness" of these congregations where flats and long cardis are the norm. Maybe cos everyone's fat. Which makes me feel worse cos it is NO indication of what the rest of society looks like, but I start thinking its normal and then give up on myself. Hello? I'm a fashion columnist. I need to look good in order to have content. I'll lose my job.
OK, don't get me wrong. This is a generic rant, not a mass rape against all mothers groups or my friends. And I do like to attend these things occasionally, especially when its with friends I haven't seen for a while. In fact, I am certain there are plenty of professional/interesting/avant-garde mothers who must attend highly sophisticated mothers group meetings that consist of adult conversation with just a sprinkling of child advice. I am just yet to find one. Here's to hoping!
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