For the last 12 months, I admit I have toiled with the idea of returning, but the benefits just seemed to outweigh the costs (aka. much needed sleep). I have received numerous emails from once-dedicated readers, and it moved me to say the least. I didn't know I had such a loyal following - my blog was never open to search engines - so the number of hits I got never failed to amaze me. For all of you out there that contacted me and encouraged me to start again: thank you.
The number two reason I failed to start up again (the number one being, obviously, my incredibly time-consuming son) was perhaps a maturing of sorts. I suddenly realised, after becoming a mum, that I had to shed a lot of layers and simplify my life. It was an awakening of sorts. I realised I no longer knew how to write just for the sake of writing, and that I was writing for others more than myself. I feared that being a mummy blogger would mean I would lose a lot of my readers who may no longer identify with me, that I would stumble into that all-consuming vacuum of baking cookies and going to play dates and never be able to get out.
Most of all I guess I feared criticism. Of being told that I'm wrong, I'm a bad mother, my methods and my ways are unorthodox. And as anyone that is a writer knows, if you're gonna to put it out there you are bound to have haters. Hey, I have haters even without a blog - someone wrote in criticising my fashion column not long ago and I absolutely LOVED it! It made me feel so empowered and ignited a spark in me. It may have been then that I decided I needed to write, write more, write well, and with the same ferocity as before, if not more.
So here's a recap of what's gone down in the past year...
I gave birth to a beautiful, healthy, and incredibly loved baby boy - last week was his first birthday :) I made the mistake of resuming work (from home) 1 month after I had him, and then the bigger mistake of continuing to work remotely while I was on vacation back home when he was 3 months old. Breastfeeding every 2hrs throughout the night, socialising with friends, and trying to catch up on work often at 4am in the morning resulted in a physical breakdown. I got a severe case of pneumonia and was on a hospital drip for 2 weeks. It was so bad that they thought I had TB and treated me like a leper in the isolation room. Everyone that came in had to wear a gown and a mask, I was not allowed out, and noone wanted to touch me. That's how I spent my first Mother's Day. Husbandless. Childless. Thank God for my mum who kept everything together for Little J and brought him in once a day so that I could let him cling desperately to my breast, sucking whatever driblet of milk I could muster up in the wake of all that medication.
Eventually I gave up as the illness left me dry and milkless and my useless mammary glands were no longer of any use to my boy, save for a couple of soft moulds on which he would leech onto for comfort. At that point, he could very well have been that half-vampire baby Renesmee killing me slowly...
But I resurrected myself and went back to the office. It was a decision that had taken me 6 months to make, and one that I do not regret. I thought Jaydon would hate me, that he would only want the nanny, but the truth is he loves me like nothing else! When I am home he clings to my legs and jumps up and down, demanding attention and hugs. He knows his mummy, and is a confident and deliriously happy boy. I am blessed.
The first year of motherhood in a nutshell? A series of ups and downs, of balancing acts, of not having the time or energy to speak more than 3 words to my husband a night (which were usually "get the milk"). In hindsight, I think my marriage was spread so thin that I give new meaning to the words "a mile wide but an inch deep"... I felt like I was trying to do everything at once but not a single thing was done properly.
Our trip to NYC & Hawaii was a savior of sorts. At the very least, we had full meals without interruption and sex two nights in a row. I missed my son terribly but it was definately good for my marriage.
It was a year of doing crazy dances - both figuratively and literally. Of alternating between jumping around like a chimpanzee to make my little one laugh to kowtowing to him with tears in my eyes, begging him to go the f* to sleep...
I still remember the time in Sydney when I drove one-handed down George street whilst clutching my boob with my breast pump in the other, frantically calling my friends on the hands free to let them know that - yes, indeed I will be on time for the movie - while the guy in the lane next to me just gawked. That was seriously a low point.
So now, here I am. Writing whatever comes to me, and feeling like that's exactly how I will continue. I would like this blog to become a collection of thoughts, rather than a documentation of what I've been doing lately. Hope that doesn't bore you all to bits, but I think I'll leave facebook to do the updating of the daily milestones and this to be an online journal for my grandkids to laugh about one day.
Right now I am packing for a trip to China for NYE, sans husband but with baby in tow. Jaydon's third trip overseas, and it just gets harder... Hope this spark remains with me when I get back!
Here's the 1 year video I made for his birthday party:
And a few recent pics:
Will try to update once a week from now on! Thanks for coming back all :)
G xxx
